Friday, 13 August 2010

Working through the tough times

Things have been a little tougher than normal in the Wife in the City household recently. There's something on the horizon which is taking a lot of thinking and is quite big. And big stuff tends to have an impact on relationships. J and I deal with things in different ways. I talk, talk, talk and work through things by talking aloud (sometimes this gets me in trouble but most of the time it works for me). He doesn't talk (until I piss him off so much by niggling he finally breaks, which is never a good way to extract information). But we also focus on different aspects so get caught in that moment of mis-click where you're both aiming for the same point via a different path and those paths sure as hell don't cross.

The thing is we're married. We got married to work together through big and tough things (or a big and scary as trademarked by Peonies). And we're working through it. I cry and he hugs me close and tells me it'll all be okay. Or we work through how it'll be okay and what the options are. But it's hard, in all the time we've been together (almost eight years) things have always been relatively easy, university, jobs, family, living. So having a challenge is probably good for us but it's also unchartered territory, and as such just takes a bit of getting used to.

And when we have a tough week and come out of it smiling I know we'll be okay. Because we have invested in this relationship too much for it not to be okay. And because I love J too much not to work through a slightly tougher than normal time.

And then soon I'll finally share this thing which has been chewing at us. Until then my apologies for horribly cryptic posts. And hopefully I'll be perkier after we return from Paris this weekend!

17 comments:

Peonies and Polaroids said...

Huge hugs to you.

Dealing with Big & Scaries is hard, especially for the first time. It can really take some time to figure out a way to communicate with each other that works and after 6 years, most of which have been full of big scary stuff, N and I are still working on it and still completely mis-click at times. But I figure it's good for our relationship and each time we're a little closer to being able to understand each other without struggling.

Have a fantastic weekend and enjoy Paris!

Julia (Color Me Green) said...

I think tough times are really the test of a relationship. If you can come out of it smiling, or feeling like you are slowly getting better at communicating about it then that's great. My last relationship had too many tough times and made me realize how many hard things couples have to go through together and how important it is to help each other out instead of bringing each other down during times of stress. Also important to not let the big and scary devour the whole relationship so you do still have some fun easy lovey days to get you through.

Marie said...

@Peonies - Thank-you. I completely agree with all you said, especially with the getting a little closer each time. Hopefully when we're through this one the others in the future will seem much easier.

@Julia - Yes, you're right, they are the test and it is all about balance. The balance between the tough and the good times and knowing when to get out. I think we have that balance (at the moment) and will definitely strive to keep it. But yes, fun times too. A weekend in Paris to hopefully take our minds off it all! And to keep the Big and Scary nibbling not devouring. :)

agirl said...

Mmm, Paris. I'll bet you'll feel better after that. :)

I can relate to a lot of this, especially the talk/don't talk bit. I'm definitely a talker/think things through out loud-er, and the Boy is not. I tease him and say it's my animated Caribbean ways coming into conflict with his repressed Englishness, but clearly, it's just the way we are. Sometimes he misinterprets my talking over and over an issue as my worrying about it, which it may not be. I mightn't be anxious or worried, just trying to process my way through something. He does his thinking internally, and sometimes it can seem to me like he's not bothered to think at all, cause I just haven't been told about it.

Communication is a big thing for me, and it's an area where we've come a long looooong way in the last few years. Now he understands how much I need to talk sometimes, and how much I need to know that he's at least heard me, or has an opinion, or is it at least still awake and in the room! And I understand that just cause he's not talking about an issue, it doesn't mean he's not interested, or doesn't care. I've grown more attuned to noticing the little signs that show what he's thinking. Because, of course, not all communication is verbal.

It's a work in progress, and lord knows we still mis-click plenty! But at least we both feel we can hear each other now. Even if we don't always understand.

Rose said...

well it does sound like you have a lot going on and I hope it all comes out well for you. These are stressful times but you two sound tough and like you have a strong partnership. Have a wonderful time in Paris. Everything feels better in Paris!

Kristy said...

Big hugs to you both, hon. You'll work through this and your relationship will be all the better for it. I do hope everything works out well, despite the gnawing it's causing right now.

Have a fabulous time in Paris! I hope it'll allow you to escape from the situation for just a bit.

Spare Thoughts said...

I'm so sorry about your big and scary time and I hope it is all resolved soon. Have a brilliant time in Paris!

Rebecca said...

Hugs to you, your ways of dealing with big and scaries seem very similar to James and I, hopefully for both of us we will gt better with time, and each problem presented us in life. I hope Paris gives you some respite, and I'd love to hear about it in prep for our trip there soon :)

Kylli said...

You and J are very normal in terms of how you deal with things - most women like to talk and most men don't!! B & I were reading your post tonight and talking about us 5 years ago. For example what we have been through this week has been exceptionally stressful but we had one day of sniping at each other, 5 years ago that would have been 3 days of fighting coz we were stressed and didnt' know how to manage it. You'll get through this bump and learn skills for managing the next one and I as I said to you on the phone, there will be times when you will need to remember to reach out to other people for support and help aswell.
V jealous you are in Paris. I love Paris. I am home itching!!!! Talk to you in the week x

Hannah said...

This business of getting to the same place via different roads is the newest and most frusterating part of being married but I'm beginning to see how it works. I'm glad it's not just us.

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

I hope you had a great weekend in Paris and things are ok!
I'm probably more like J. But marriage is about those meetings in the middle and communicating the best you can for both people right?

Krystal said...

aw, keep your head up :(

Make Do Style said...

Sometimes when the going gets tough think outside of the box - instead of trying to resolve things, choose to pretend it isn't happening for maybe one night. Arrange a date instead, go to the park and go on the swings. Do anything to take your mind off it. Big problems call for small actions sometimes. Plus lots of deep breaths. But you do get to know each other better too! Even if some of it is annoying - either your or or other person's characteristics. It will all be fine xx

Marie said...

To all you lovely people, you truly are the best.

I'm glad it's not just me who struggles sometimes with these things and shall try and learn from your fabulous tips and also to learn from J about how we can work better together.

And yes, remembering that communication isn't just about what is said but as much about what is done...

Cate Subrosa said...

Peonies got it so right.

But that's no surprise... this is the second blog post in ten minutes I've read mentioning how she coined 'Big & Scary.' She really ought to trademark it :)

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